those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
