Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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