Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
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i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
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Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dear god my vagina.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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