i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
