Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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