I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
