it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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