He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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