you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
