i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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