I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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