My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
