So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
