Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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