o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
