I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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