She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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