I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
