My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
