im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
