Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
