I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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