And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
