ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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