I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
