seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize