the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
