you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
