Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
