Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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