Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
