I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
