dude i'm inner monologue high
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
