You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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