i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
