dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
