wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
