bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she peed on how many people?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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