I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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