I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
