Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
