He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
