You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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