Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
