I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
