When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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