You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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