Kiss
Puke
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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