Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
