Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
