They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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