You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
