This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
