Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
