Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
