Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
