I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
