this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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