He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
